I will admit it, I like labels. I know a lot of people don't. They just want to be who they are and not worry about what to call it but I like to define things. Politically I am, what I like to call, a radical moderate. I believe that compromise and common sense are exactly what is missing in our modern political world today and without these we have little chance of any real change or progression at all. Religiously I am an Agnostic, Reform and Neopagan Druid, and Humanist. Philosophically I am Hedonist and Neochivalrist. Throughout this time of depression it has been important to me to define how I come to terms with the world.

I am a Reform Druid because I believe that Nature is good. And I don't mean just the growing green of nature. I believe the world about us, the universe itself, is good. Worthy of respect and worship.

I am a Neopagan Druid because I find fulfillment, inspiration, and strength in the ritual and in calling out to the old Gods and Goddesses, the Ancestors, and Worldly Spirits.

I am a Humanist because I consider human concerns, ideas, and progress to be of great value. I do not see humans as "outside" of nature or fallen or the problem to be overcome. In fact I see our humanity as our greatest strength. I also do not believe, even though I do interact with Gods as beings, that they are the cause of nor solution to either my own problems or the problems of the world. We must face them ourselves and a wholly capable and empowered to do so. Instead I call to the Gods and Spirits for inspiration, focus, and creativity. To support me in my very human endeavors.

I am Agnostic because I honestly have no idea as to the nature of the Gods and Spirits I call to. Are they fully real and separate beings? Are they part of some collective unconscious? Are they only facets of my own psyche? I have no idea and in the long run it really isn't that important to me.

I am a Hedonist because I believe the pursuit of happiness and pleasure is an attainable and worthwhile goal. I do not believe that humans are corrupt or that pleasure should be avoided. There is this idea, and I see it everywhere (even within the Pagan and Gay communities) that somehow to seek pleasure is harmful or shameful. Sex, revelry, true joy should be avoided. To give into them is to give into one's base and primal natures. I disagree. I believe that denying our base and primal natures is far more dangerous in the long run and, in the end, the only life worth living is the one where pleasure outweighs the pain. Sin is a concept I deny in every breath. The only real sin is to live in denial, regret, or fear and the only beings you are sinning against, even in those cases, is yourself and the "you" you are meant to be.

I am a Neochivalrist because I believe that idealism, loyalty, humility, grandeur and love are a worthwhile and an earnest way to live. I suppose that some people may not understand being both a Hedonist and a Neochivalrist. They seem somehow opposite concepts. One is a code of how to live in honor while the other is seeking pleasure for pleasure's sake. I don't see it that way. In fact I feel they are inherently intertwined. It is only by (attempting to) live with humility and loyalty that pleasure is worthwhile for both myself and for others. It is only in believing in something and pursuing it that passion is fulfilling. It is only in accepting love into my life and in acknowledging that all people are worthy of love that true connections are made. I cannot separate the two concepts.

I also live by an ethic that has become important to me. It is adapted from Oisin's conversation with St. Patrick in "Of Gods and Men" by Lady Gregory when he said, "The three things the Fianna lived by were the truth in our hearts, the strength in our hands, and fulfilment in our tongues." I have adapted it slightly because of the line "strength in our hands" (which I have also read as "strength in our arms"). I am not ashamed of my physical strength. I am quite proud of it really. Genetically I have been blessed to be healthy, vital, and able my entire life. This could change at any time however, and I am well aware of that, and more importantly there are many, many people I know and have known who are not able, who deal with health and/or emotional issues, and who I consider to be amazing people and inspirations. An ethic one lives by, in my opinion, should be one that all can live by. Even if they can't or chose not to. I attempt to live my life upholding the truth in my heart, the strength of my character, and with fulfillment on my tongue. Everyday.

Finally, I have an ultimate goal. When my life is at an end, when the final page has been written, I would like to know that I have left behind a something of value that will live on beyond me and a name that will be remembered as good and worthy.

So, in just a few days I will be celebrating my birthday. The day itself is actually March 13th but I chose this weekend for fun and games at the local watering hole. I think it is going to be a great deal of fun. A lot of my friends are coming who I have not seen in a long time as well as a large group from my work (where I am sharing the evening with another Team Member).

This is really only the second year where I have made a big deal about my birthday. Growing up my family never really did much. I had the obligatory cake and gifts as a child but I can only remember one time that I had a "party" proper and that was really only a couple of friends. As I got older we would usually go to dinner as a family and (since I am not a big cake fan) my mother would always buy me some chocolate chip cookies. After I came out I never made a big deal either. I was 25 when I came out so I just felt like I was too old for all that stuff. I felt like I was too old for a lot of things. I tended to be way too serious about life in general to be honest. But last year I decided to make a big deal of it. Instead of waiting for someone to throw me a party (or make me a banner) I made an event on Facebook and invited people to share in the fun. A lot of people came, said local watering hole made a big deal about it, and a good friend who is a performer brought me on stage. It was a blast and a crazy, black out, drunken mess (as it should be).

In the last few years the way I view the world has changed a lot. I worked really, really hard at my previous job. A place, and with a lot of people, that never really appreciated it. I made a ton of sacrifices as far as not living the life I wanted to be living because of this idea of success or work ethic. Don't get me wrong. I am ambitious, I have goals for myself, I believe I have a lot to offer but when it came down to it, when one third of the workforce there was separated, my name was right there on the list. This was early in the unemployment swing a number of years ago and I was fooled that I wouldn't have trouble finding something new. I believe it is a testament to my hard work and dedication that, at the time, no less then 4 people from the corporate staff of a fortune 500 company contacted me to see if there was anything they could do to help. Including people like the Chief Sustainability Officer of the entire corporation. I turned them down. I wonder to this day what my life may be like if I didn't. There is a good chance I would be living in Toledo right now, for one, but I doubt I would be as happy as I am now (even though things are still hard).

Now I choose to live a certain way. This includes the above mentioned hard work and dedication. I take my work life seriously, I want to do the best I can (which I still believe is better then a lot of people can manage ... call it ego, I don't care). and I hate failure with a passion. At the same time, my work life will never, ever define me again. I am not what I do. I am who I am. In the last couple of years I have made so many amazing friends and met so many people that I never would have before. This is a struggle with some of my older friends. They don't necessarily like that I came out of my protective bubble and am willing and likely to make new friends too. But the rewards have far outweighed the negatives. Most of my friends, today, tend to be between the ages of 18 and 25. I don't really know how this happened. As I am nearing 38 a lot of these guys and gals are literally young enough to be my children and yet this is not the kind of relationship I have with them. In fact many times, especially lately, they have been the ones offering me a helping hand and advice.

My decision is to live my life. It's that simple. To face my fears, to try new things, to love unconditionally, to offer all of myself, as damn near as I can manage it, every day. Sometimes this is simple things, I am determined to dance every night I go out at least once -- something I have always been afraid to do because I am not a good dancer and a big guy, I am afraid of being judged. Some are big things like refusing to turn away from my feelings of desire and love -- I deserve it and I will find it. I try to look and plan for tomorrow but I live for today. Tomorrow I may be unemployed. Tomorrow I may be out on the street. Tomorrow I may be lost, sick, confused, without hope, but today I am alive and I will live.

This is why I make a big deal of my birthday. It is more than an excuse to party, though party it shall be, it is a message to the universe that I am still here. That I am proud of who I am. That I am worthy of celebrating. It is also a message to all my friends (close, not so close, acquaintances, everyone) is important to me and that I want them by my side. No regrets.

Until Then and Always
~ Jamie

(x-posted to Facebook)

There has been a video floating around on Facebook and various blogs. I am not going to link to it.

In the video a father sits in an yard chair wearing a cowboy hat and reads a letter he took from his 15 year old daughter's Facebook wall complaining about her parents. There is little doubt in my mind that his daughter was exaggerating. Teenagers do this, teenagers have always done this. I am almost 38 years old but I well remember what it was like being a teenager. How stressful everything could be. How unfair everything felt. Hell, I am almost 38 years old and I still struggle to find coping methods to deal with the world some times. At 15 I had even less.

The father, literally shaking with rage, read his daughter's private letter aloud, then explained how truly terrible her life would be now. How her life was basically over. Then he takes out a gun and shoots her laptop.

This video is widely praised as amazing parenting. I think it is abuse, plain and simple. Abuse does not always come in the form of a punch to the face or sexual batterment. Abuse most often takes the form of the emotional. This man basically showed his daughter that he can, and he will, destroy her and everything she holds dear if she makes him angry. New reports, coming form the father himself I might add, claim that the daughter is ok with what happened and is adjusting well.

BULLSHIT

If you had a father that pulled out a gun and shot things when you made him mad what would you say when he questioned you on how you felt about his actions? Damn right you would say that everything is ok.

Look, I am not a parent. But I used to be a child and I interact with children and parents every day. I firmly believe discipline is lacking in our modern society. Things ARE different then they were when I was child. I had parents, teachers, coaches, and intructors who expected certain things from me and I gave them because I understood if I didn't I would loose privileges. My martial arts instructors where some of most discipline minded people I have ever known and I respected them. I respected their insight, their skill, and I wanted to be like them so much. My teachers seemed to be successful, achieving adults. The type we all wished to be. That was the world I lived in, that was the life I led. Still I rebelled, still I complained. I said a million times worse things abut my parents and teachers then this girl did on her Facebook page. Because I had not yet learned the skills on how to deal with the emotional stress of living in this world gave me.

Do I wish for a return to this kind of atmosphere? Not really. At the same time these people in my life were earning my respect they were also destroying me. Not a week went by in my martial arts school without an instructor, an adult, referring to a student, a child, as a faggot. This student was usually me and most times it happened where no one else could hear. Always "joking" of course but all the same. I remember our health teacher in high school literally cringing and complaining, to students, how he was forced to speak about homosexuality. This isn't just about gay issues though. These same men were leading lives that were so far removed from what they were teaching us. They put on an image of perfection while their home lives fell apart. Pretty often from their own doing. What I am saying here is that this world I lived in, believed in with all my heart, was a lie. And the women role models in my life, all teachers, were some of the most angry people I ever have known. With a handful of exceptions some of the worst human beings I have ever known. They demeaned or ignored whomever they didn't want to work with. They were bad at their jobs and then blamed the students. I don't know much about their personal lives but professionally they were a joke.

If you tell me how you got your ass kicked as a child and this led you to be a stronger adult. That is a lie too.

I agree with the concept that parents need to be parents first. I have seen the mistake many times where a parent wishes to be the best friend. It never works and is likely a form of abuse or neglect as well. But you are supposed to be a functioning adult. A role model. If you're wondering why the world keeps saying you are a crazy lunatic it may well be because you appear to us as a crazy fucking lunatic.

I hope this guy learns something. But I doubt it. He believes he already has it figured out.

Comment to this post, and I will list seven things I want you to talk about. They might make sense or they might be totally random. Then post that list, with your commentary, to your journal. Other people can get lists from you, and the meme merrily perpetuates itself.

from treasadreaming

( clicky clicky )

Note to new readers: The ritual write-up below refers to elements of the Core Order of Ritual within the religious organization known as Ár nDraíocht Féin: A Druid Fellowship (usually shortened to "ADF"). If you have any questions please feel free to ask. As most of my readers are ADF members I am not going to give detailed explanations of each portion but have no issue what-so-ever explaining it in more detail. Thanks for stopping by!

Tonight I performed the first rite in my Wheel of the Year experiment. For those of you who have not heard me speak of it. I have created a ritual calendar with which I intend to celebrate ritual (around twice a month) through the scope of the modern American culture.

The purpose of tonight's rite was more then just to celebrate the New Year. It was specifically designed as a rite in which to create new beginnings and to cast away those things from the last year (and all of the past I suppose) that I no longer needed.

The Beings of Occasion for tonight were the Broad One (Earth Mother) and the Shining Sky Father. I also called in the Tribe of Men-Who-Love-Men as the power of inspiration and the Burning One as the gatekeeper.

Right from the beginning I felt really connected to the ritual. I am not sure why this is to be honest. Perhaps because I had been planning it for so long or because it was very personal to me. New Years has always been really important to me and this was one of the few times I really was honoring it in ritual.

As I do with most my rites it was offered completely extemporaneously although I did put some forethought into the purpose, the Beings of Occasion, and a working that I will explain in a moment.

As I said I felt a pretty strong connection right from the beginning and that really just kept building throughout the rite. I realized at some point that I did not do an outsiders offering. This is really strange to me as I always tend to do one even at my home rites. I consider it a call for peace more then a concern about any trouble being made. As I wasn't feeling any malice or ill intent I just continued without it.

My Omens were:

Ancestors: Orange - the unexpected, warning
Nature Spirits: Black - truth, formality
Shining Ones: Yellow - care, fear

Taken together and with things going on in my life I read, keep a close eye on your life throughout this year. Accept the warnings when they are given and seek your own truth. Take care that fear does not hold you back.

As I have done for awhile now I called for the blessing by asking the Keeper of the Waters to release them to me. I really like this addition to the rite. As far as I know I am the only one doing this in ADF ritual currently. Which .. makes me a bit nervous to be honest but so far it has worked very well for me. I feel it is a much more "formal" calling, more in line with the ritual as a whole. I don't really offer to the Keeper, whose job is only to assure only those who permitted to attain the waters, I only call to him and declare my right. I wait for the settle "click" in my head that makes me feel as this has been done before asking the assembled beings to hallow them.

After the blessing I did a working. before the ritual began I scrapped out the ashes and debris from me little burner on my altar and placed them aside. Now I took them up and declared that all of those things I have been harboring which brought me pain, hurt, and loneliness would be placed within the ashes. I meditated on those things for awhile, holding them inside, and then I envisioned them moving into the ashes with each expelled breath. I could feel them leaving my body and feeling lighter and clearer with each breath. I did keep enough that I would need for lessons learned and for the experience they gave me. I just gave away that which was holding me back. Or, at least, that was my intention. After I felt I was done I casually cast ashes aside. I didn't need them anymore and treated them as such.

I closed the rite by thanking the assembled beings and offering the same prayer I always use;

This rite is at an end
May the peace and blessings remain
This night and forever more
So Be It

I invited follow ADF members to submit names to the Book of the Dead that used to be used by Silver Falls Grove. This year it was a solitary ritual which took place at my home shrine. The following names were read aloud.


Remember us as we remember you:

David Fouke, step-father (father-in-spirit)
Frances Szczepanski, mother
Shirley MacNair, foster mother
Pauline Van Thiel, friend
Alix Rice, friend
Tejbir Singh Oberoi, friend
Lucie Kuhnt, friend
Eugene Jennings, friend
Fritzie and Odessa Doll, cherished pets of the Singh family
Monty, pioneer of the Pet Therapy program of Roswell Park Cancer Institute
William Reed Rutledge, Grandfather
Josephine Danella Zangrill, Grandmother
Sandra Yvonne Norton, Mother and Friend
Johannes de Gruyl, Grandfather
Sir Skyler, beloved pet
Martha "Carolina" Black, Grandmother
Elizabeth "Betty" Hoover, Grandmother

.





For too long we have seen only darkness
And cold rain and driving wind
For too long we have missed your warmth
And felt lost without your touch

O' shining sun
Come and bless our lives
Come and share your warmth
Come and light the fires of our souls

O' shining sun
Ignite in us our passions and dreams
Ignite in us our truth and determination
Ignite in us our needs and hopes

Blessed, mighty, powerful
We long for your presence
Come now and bless us

So Be It

I just saw on a friend's Facebook that Silver Falls (Proto)Grove will likely be closing.

I am sad it and I can't help but feel a great deal of responsibility for it happening. At the same time, I think it's time. We started out strong and perhaps in my zeal to take some of the responsibility off my own shoulders I pushed the Grove too fast and too hard. Or perhaps the timing was just not right for everyone involved. Honestly, I am just not sure many members of the Grove got out of it what they needed. For a couple years there I felt, for better or worse, that I was the one driving every ritual and program. Then when I tried to take a step back I felt like a lot of people got angry when things didn't get done or weren't followed through on.

In the end I know that the Grove closing is more then 50% my own fault and I am more then willing to take that blame. I know I made a ton of mistakes and I am sorry to everyone. I had to leave in the end because watching it dwindle and die was causing me more pain then any of you can imagine.

ADF is still my religious home and I still believe there is a need for a Grove in the Summit/Stark/Medina counties area but next time it will not be me who leads it.

For me the Autumnal Equinox, which I have tended to call Harvest Home for some time but am going to shift to calling Rites of Fall, is my least favorite High Day. I am not sure why really because I love autumn itself. Well, actually, I suppose I do know why. It is because it has a "seriousness" to it that the other High Days do not. Please note, I am only speaking from my own perspective here.

The other High Days all have a more celebratory feel to them. Summer's End (Samhain) is every bit as serious, I suppose, but for me honoring the ancestors has a definite celebratory feel to it. Midwinter is about celebrating the first signs of the turning of winter and, in some ways, even laughing in the face of what is to come. Winter's Turning (Imbolc) is even more about the sings that winter is leaving us and, although also very serious and reverent, has a hopeful feel to it for me. Spring, of course, is very celebratory. The throwing off of the shroud of winter, the return to balance, all fun, joyous, good things. May Day is a full on burst of natural and sexual energies. Midsummer is the height of the growing green. First Harvest (Lughnassadh) is a time to join with others (even if only in spirit) and how can that not be celebratory?

I don't know. To me Fall just feels serious. It is a serious time full of hard work, dedication, seeking balance, preparing for winter. Of course there is the idea of the Harvest Festival but, honestly, in the area I live, that just doesn't feel truthful. Thanksgiving is much more in line with that time of year and exactly the type of celebration that bringing in the harvest deserves.

I have committed, vowed as part of my re-dedication, to keep the high days for the remainder of this year at my hearth shrine and I will do so but, honestly, I am just not feeling it right now. I find myself looking forward to Summer's End and even the peace of winter much more then enjoying the fall. I suppose some of it has to do with loneliness. Since leaving the Grove and since Rich and I broke up I have been feeling pretty lonely. I am not exactly sure why that is. I still have a lot of friends and am making new ones. Rich and I still spend a lot of time talking about our lives with one another, maybe even more time then we did before we broke up, and other areas of my life are going amazingly well. I struggle to put my finger on what it is exactly that is causing this loneliness feeling.

In the end, I suppose, we are all lonely and I am just feeling it more lately then I have before but that doesn't really make it any easier.

Been away for a little while so I thought some updates were in order.

Home: Things are going pretty well. I am settling in here in Wadsworth. I still not have decided whether or not I plan to stay here after Spring, we shall see. Emotions are still super roller coastery when it comes to Sandy dying. I miss her a great deal and it tends to hit me most when I come home from work. For years and years that was "our" time when I would sit and visit with her and we would catch up on each other's days. Sometimes I am ok and sometimes I just sit there and cry. I am happy she is no longer in pain and suffering but at the same time I miss her so much ...

Dating: Some of you may have saw a post where I said I met a boy. Yes I deleted it. His name is John, he is 20, and works as a model and recruiter/manager for Abercrombie and goes to school at Kent State. (please don't harp on me about dating/liking younger guys) I am soooo not ready for a relationship right now. This current episode is just evidence of that. He is adorable, sweet, friendly, open, and fun -- and just that right amount of gay bitchiness that I absolutely love. He is the first person I have met in a long time that I really, really liked right off the bat. And he approached me! But then it got ugly. I didn't hear from him and I jumped to assumptions that something had changed. He did text me today just to say that he isn't ignoring me just super busy and asking me not to take it personally. I really do want to go on a date with him though I know I am in no place to be in a relationship with anyone (and neither is he with work and school being so crazy). I hope to see him tomorrow night (the original plans we made last Monday) not a date just hanging out at the local bar. Whether or not we ever do date I hope we become friends.

Work: Has been going well. The new job is cool, I really do like it. I had a really stressful Friday morning though. The feedback I have received so far is that I am doing very well and it doesn't even feel as if I am still in training. It is taking some time to get used to the schedule. Our work weeks are from Sunday to Saturday and I get every other weekend off and Tuesdays. Which means I get either Sunday or Saturday and Tuesday off every week. But the Sundays and Saturdays I have off take place in the same weekend. So while that is awesome, so cool to have weekends off at all in retail, it also means every other week I work six days straight without a day off, and then back in for three days before the weekend off. Hard to explain. Basically I work six days, off one day, work three days, off two, work one day, off one day and then start over.

Spiritual: Things still going well. I am only doing High Day rites throughout the remainder of this year in preparation of doing a full Wheel of the Year: American Style in 2012. I have decided to stop promoting and attending the chats, at least on a regular basis. With Tuesday being my day off it is just too difficult for me to plan to be home and not occupied every Tues at 8:00 pm. Plus, I am not getting nearly as much out of the chats as I did before. I am still committed to find ways for solitary ADFers to connect with one another and with the larger ADF community but I am not sure what that looks like yet. Feedback is welcome but I will pretty much reject message boards outright. We have tried that a half dozen times in ADF and it has never really worked out.

That's all for now!
~ Jamie